Unmasking Maybe-Autism

I’m gong to keep exploring this autism avenue. The first thing I’ll say is that since logging into subreddits and following content creators I am feeling more and more certain that I am in the right place and also DEEPLY received that this experience of being “a problem” is not just mine!

Adolescent notebook pile

Of course though as I look at the community I start comparing notes and worrying that some of them don’t match up - for instance, trivia-gathering on special interests. Here is what I posted this morning on the subreddit on the matter;

Hello. I am just now, as middle aged woman, beginning to suspect I am autistic

Early attempts at maps - now of course I have Room Mechanics

A lot of traits match up now that I am no longer capable of masking: I hate eye contact and I move my body in ways that people notice as odd, I have eaten the same three meals every day for like 20 years (when I’m alone. With others I put effort into meals) , I am constantly misunderstood and deemed inappropriate even though I'm not saying anything actually bad or outrageous. I'm always outcasted and told I don't belong in wherever I am. People tend to be afraid of me even though I am extremely benevolent, I don't understand most of how most people communicate, I'm too direct and "confrontational" and when I ask a basic question people think I'm challenging them or trying to "trip them up". I spend most of my time alone or with books or other media, and I am hyper sensitive to sounds, light, and texture, etc I could go on.

However, a few things don't add up: one of them being that I don't tend to deep dive into specific trivia on things I like. I don't like names and formally established information systems very much at all. I find it controlling. Instead I like to form my own hypothesis and language for things I am interested. I think my main "special interest" since I was a child was discovering and mapping the meaning of life .This is of bone-deep importance to me. While I read a little bit on various theories and frameworks here I am much more interested in mapping my own direct experience of reality and reverse engineering it with my own tools and systems.

If I had just three wishes, first I would wish for knowledge in all the earth’s mysteries. My second wish would be to have enough money to go to university and major in writing. Last but not least I would wish”

I should add I do have a formal diagnosis of extreme dyslexia (was never supposed to be able to read or write according to my neurology) and so maybe that contributes to my aversion to formally established terminologies and frameworks. My brain doesn't hold them well bc I find things a bit abstract unless I arrived at them myself from the start

COMMENT BY ANOTHER REDDITER

insofar as i am not an expert, except in the regard that i’m autistic—yes. even the way you write feels autistic to me. mainly because so much of it makes sense without having to try. i’ll probably get in trouble for saying so. and not all autistic people are obsessed with detail in the same way. detail is, of course, encoded into existence in many different senses. i couldn’t give a rat’s arse about figures or dates or rules, but i am interested very deeply in the atmosphere exuded by things i’m passionate about. like film or music. and not in the sense that i want to learn how they’re constructed, but in the sense that i want to immerse myself in their world of feeling and pathos. i’ll give you an example of something seemingly non-autistic in me: i do not like repetition. i crave novelty, and hate staleness that quickly develops when i have to do the same thing again and again. but—and this is a major but—i am terrified of uncertainty. so, as i get older, i find myself clinging more and more to routine not out of love for it, but out of a pathological need for control. i know other autistic people who are the same way.

but yes, everything you’ve said sounds familiar to me, for sure.

MY RESPONSE

Thank you! I'm very excited about this response because again the similarities are making me feel less "odd one out" - I too am atmospherically inclined. Wish I'd mentioned that in the post. I am very very very obsessed with liminal spaces and certain aesthetics - mainly late 80s early 90s quiet suburban scenes, dreamcore, dead malls backrooms, etc. I don't know the lore nor do I really care but I would be a very happy person if I was stuck in an endless nostalgia Pinterest style scroll or YouTube walkthrough IRL

I think another good point here is I hate video games but I love walk throughs. I think the challenges are manufactured and silly but the atmospheres are real and can be lived in without overlaying some plot or drama overtop of it. 

I'm also glad to hear you like novelty and change. Because not liking change is another box one ticks on those questionnaires and while I do wish the world had chilled out around the 90s and just held its position, I also enjoy moving to new cities, changing homes and jobs etc. I could never start a family, hold down a job, and create stability for people who depended on me. It is too much fun to shape shift and explore. though I do relate to the control element; I don't like other people's spaces and ways of doing things, for the most part. I don' really want to travel unless it's high class. I don't take public transit bc of the unpredictability and possibility of being really close to strangers. The more deeply I think on each issue the more I see this things in myself. -I think the trick is to search past the basic stereotype and digging deeper

Again I really appreciate what you shared. I was so scared coming in that I would still be too "not right" so it's nice to see the spectrum is not so rigid as I was concerned it might be.

UPDATE: Post was removed for being “am I?”