Full Autistic Revelation
After nearly a week of holding myself in the frame of autism and researching it at length I can with confidence say that it is in complete alignment with me and my life experience. I am autistic (or something close enough to it that the framework is effective) and now there is an entire pre-existing model and language for almost all of the more challenging experiences in my life.
Here are some things I’ve been realizing, noting, playing with etc:
I’ve been pretending to be stable, lovely, regulated, and mentally healthy as a full time job. I would think in every interaction about how I can make the interaction pleasant for the other person and would not consider what I wanted or what was comfortable for me (until the discomfort became so great the mask would slip)
People would love me at first because of how well I preformed all of this, but inevitably eventually my actually quite brittle and battle-weary nervous system would spike and a flash of fear or anger would get out. To the people around me this would form a kind of cognitive dissonance bc it didn’t fit with my mask - then I would be seen as sort of horrifying and unpredictable - evil even - and I would be cast out.
My solution to the above issue now is to unmask and allow people to see my discomfort, pain, and weakness upfront while working on my nervous system by slowing down and expressing how I feel and what I’m experiencing rather than getting upset or defensive. I must learn to explain myself better in these moment - slowing down and taking time is the main way. People have thought I was attacking them when I was really protecting myself. If I’m slow and gentle and realize there’s no immediate threat - they will understand better where I’m coming from without feeling themselves like they are in danger.
I do not think the way most people think - so social interactions are a constant guessing game and often quickly become tangled to the point that I sometimes want to cry and give up. This is a normal autistic experience - not just me.
This part is embarrassing: my solution to the chasm between myself and others was always to try and “fix them” - I spent half my life explaining myself to others and half explaining how they needed to be. Now I realize I was ass-backwards. I still think my way is better, but I now realize that these are cognitive differences in which I am the minority and in which they are the majority. It is not the world’s job to change but rather mine to learn how to navigate it more effectively. Understanding the cognitive differences and accepting them is the first powerful step here. People are not a problem. I am just different.
I accept that being misunderstood simply goes with the territory.
I realize that I have deep-cutting rejection wounds and I need to confront and admit them in order to feel more safe around people
I realize that I do not have to be perfect to be safe or accepted
It is okay if people don’t like me.
I am still safe if people don’t like me
I am not a bad person and it is okay to make mistakes
It is okay to be dependent and to need accommodation
It is okay to take my time and take up space
It is okay to have high standards and be particular
I am not singularly broken but am rather part of a large population of people who experience life in this way due to neurological atypicality.
